


killing me

by chogiwasebooteuh, neverforgethechogiwa111



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Nosebleeds, Swearing, roommates ziyi and xukun, some violence, xukun and ziyi are broke, xukun has social anxiety, xukun works part time in asda, ziyi's a clingy and violent drunk oops, ziyis unemployed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 18:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15712512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chogiwasebooteuh/pseuds/chogiwasebooteuh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverforgethechogiwa111/pseuds/neverforgethechogiwa111
Summary: ziyi and xukun were both pretty fucked up, but that's ok because they had each other.





	killing me

**Author's Note:**

> there's been a sudden dryness in the zikun tag and uh i tried to finish this as quickly as possibly bro  
> and yes the title was inspired by ikon's new song don't judge me  
> also im sorry for not uploading anything in ages despite it being the summer holidays but i swear im working a lot (like five or six fics) right now and they will be uploaded in the near future :>  
> and m some heights might be exaggerated for the plot dont hurt me  
> annnddd the hair colours are based on the mentor collaboration stage hairs so uh... i think you'll be able to figure out who is who?  
> ok and lastly there's a scene that's almost like a flashback of what happened in the scene prior and i put like a double line before it so you will know (just to save anyone from confusion)  
> but uhm if anyones confused about anything then just tell me :)

it was around two in the morning when xukun heard knocking on the door. nonstop knocking on the door with the bell ringing and the letter box flapping up and down as well. xukun didn't want to believe it, but he knew it was ziyi. again.

he sighed, standing up from his bed and leaving his room to open the door. once he opened it, ziyi collapsed on top of him and laughed.

"are you drunk?" xukun asked, already knowing the answer.

"no, i'mmm ziyi!" ziyi whined, looking up at xukun with a dopey smile.

"did you forget your keys?" xukun asked, kind of angry and irritated. he knew he didn't, he always had them in his wallet (why in his wallet and not somewhere else xukun still didn't know) no matter where he went.

ziyi ignored the question (he probably didn't even listen in the first place) and threw xukun a sleazy smirk, "you're hoooot when you're pissed, kuuuun."

"shut up ziyi," he huffed, dragging the taller man (well, boy if we're talking about mental age here) to the couch, "sleep here, you're not throwing up on my bed again."

ziyi pouted as xukun turned around, so he grabbed onto his thigh in an attempt to bring him back over. xukun tried to pull away by shaking his leg, but ended up losing balance and tripping himself up and falling over. ziyi didn't notice at first, of course, but after a couple of seconds he realised xukun had stood up with his hand covering his nose and a small spill of blood on the glass coffee table next to the couch.

it didn't make ziyi worry though, what made him worry more was that the table didn't break. xukun had fell onto it with a lot of force, like a lot, but nothing happened to it except a little crack in the area he fell on. that was it.

ziyi shook his head. he was thinking too much and it hurt his insides too much. his vision blurred slightly, and he closed his eyes and held his head in his hands, trying to endure the pain. he didn't really think he was drunk, sure, he had some drinks, but he didn't really think all of them were just alcohol, he had thought he was imagining it but the last couple of drinks just didn't taste right.

he sighed and ruffled his hair, banging his head off the side of their cheap couch. yeah, it hurt, it was cheap. everything about this place was cheap actually. the beds, the wallpaper, the floor, himself, but he liked it. it was home.

why was he spending all his time drinking out when he could stay here, home?

he hit his head off the couch again, this time pretty hard, and his nose felt funny after, he didn't care though. he stood up and walked to the kitchen, seeing the cheap cutlery that was rusting and the light bulb that exploded last month still hanging, and the chair that had three legs. they didn’t have money, that’s why they both got together in the first place to rent out a place next to their college. they were both dropouts (actually, ziyi was kicked out of his school but xukun voluntarily left) and didn’t know what they wanted to do with their life, so they both decided to go to college, which was where they met.

ziyi could only briefly remember how their first encounter went, actually he was drunk then as well. he thinks he tried to steal xukun’s wallet, which ended up in him groping him instead (since it was in his back pocket) and he didn’t even notice until the bony boy turned around and smacked him square in the face, leaving a red mark for the next day. ziyi’s friends laughed at him when they first saw it, and he laughed at himself too. he then went to apologise to the boy he had accidentally sexually harassed, who was surprisingly calm and forgiving about the whole situation.

“there’s nothing valuable in it anyway, it wouldn’t effect me that much if you took it,” he had said, “all i really need that's inside it is my id, because i look like a four year old apparently.”

then xukun laughed at himself, and ziyi laughed at himself and xukun too. it was a weird situation to be in, a weird way to start a friendship but that was how it started.

xukun knew what was wrong with becoming associated with ziyi. he was nothing but trouble, that’s what everyone told him. he got to know that after ziyi told him the story of how he was expelled from two different schools within his school life. oddly, xukun wasn’t surprised after hearing them, they just sounded like something he would do. ziyi was a predictable person, that’s why he didn’t even try and look at ziyi after he hurt him yet again.

in all honesty, it wasn’t even that painful, just a little sting. xukun always injured himself somehow, he was a clumsy person so it wasn't a surprise. what hurt him was that ziyi didn’t even care. he never did. he would always just watch xukun suffer alone and it hurt. being along was the painful part.

 

───────────────

 

the next morning, ziyi woke up with a banging headache. he groaned and placed his hand on his forehead. he usually knew how to deal with it, drink some water and eat some fatty foods and he’ll be good to go, he always does it that way, it was a regular thing. besides, they couldn’t afford hangover medicine or whatever it was.

when he finally got up after swallowing himself in self pity, he went into the kitchen. he didn’t usually throw up or anything, he seemed to just in general not be sick anymore because his body is so used to it now.

he saw xukun leaning over the counter, probably making something, when he came in. he was wearing a white t shirt and nothing else as he guessed from the sight, which gave him a perfect view of his legs. oh god his legs. they were pretty, but very pale and bony. it wasn’t as if xukun didn’t eat, he actually ate more than ziyi, he just had a higher metabolism than an average person. speaking of that, xukun was nowhere near just an average person. he was a lot more than that, in ziyi’s mind, he was above all of the average people, he was like royalty to ziyi. if anyone was to hurt him, ziyi would make sure they never breathed the same air again.

without noticing, ziyi clenched his jaw and fist as he stood at the doorway of their kitchen. xukun noticed a couple of seconds later that it wasn’t just him in the room, turning around and facing ziyi (the kitchen was pretty small, so they were barely even a metre away from each other).

"are you ok?" he asked.

ziyi snapped out of his thoughts and ran his eyes up and down xukun's frail body. it made xukun uncomfortable but he did it often.

"i'm fine," he huffed, swivelling around on one foot and marching out of the room. he would just go eat later, he wasn't in the mood to socialise, especially with xukun.

he walked into their shared room, a double bed was in the middle (yes, they shared a room and a bed, but what else could they do? they didn't have enough money for two separate twin beds, and their current bed was on sale at the time. it wasn't like it was that beaten and broken since it wasn't that old yet, and besides, ziyi slept on the couch half of the time) and the two bedside tables were empty, apart from a glass of water on ziyi's side. it had been lying there for a while now actually, and there was dust gathering on the rim of it.

he sighed and walked closer to the bed. there were multiple stains on the bed sheets and covers, but it wasn't necessarily because the pair were dirty and couldn't be bothered cleaning, it was just because they couldn't afford the right things to help get the stains out -- they were just food and coffee stains anyway.

then ziyi looked over at xukun's bedside table and he saw crumpled up tissues covered in blood, ziyi knew that they were from last night. he didn't know what happened - who did it, where and why they did it - but they definitely were not there when he left yesterday.

ziyi sighed, burying his face in his dry palms as he sat down on the edge of the bed. he always seemed to wake up to a damaged xukun, whether it be a bruise or a cut, he had always been injured and in a bad mood and ziyi wanted to know why. he wanted to know who it was, but who did xukun even speak to except for his close friends? he had trust issues and slight social anxiety so it was rare for him to even look at other people but the ones he was close to. and why would they even do it? did he do something wrong? did he owe them something? ziyi didn't know.

there was always something somewhere in his mind where he thought he knew who it was, but he just couldn't grasp onto the memories, almost like a word that gets stuck on the tip of your tongue. it stressed him out a lot, actually. he sometimes had this voice at the back of his head, what if it was himself? what if he was the one hurting xukun?

he never thought about it too much though, he doubted it was himself. he would never lay a finger on xukun, he meant the world to him, why would he ever hurt him?

groaning, ziyi ruffled his hair and lay down, would he ever figure out?

 

───────────────

 

ziyi had a plan.

he had a friend, xingjie, who had a rich cousin called zhengting.

zhu zhengting.

ziyi was dying to know who this mysterious and somewhat abusive person was and what they had to do with xukun, and he had to find a way to find out who they were. it wasn't a complicated plan, it was quite basic actually. he just needed a camera. but that was the problem.

he didn't have money.

that's where zhengting comes in.

 

───────────────

 

zhengting came off as your average guy - nice body, tall, a strangely perfectly structured face, in a relationship, exercises on the daily etc - yet he was oddly rich and very gay. ziyi didn't care though, he needed a favour, not a blowjob. that's why he was relieved when the older guy stopped trying to make small talk and started to speak.

"so, xingjie told me you're in need of something," he started off with a quarter filled glass of what looked like red wine in his hand. ziyi didn't understand why people filled glasses so low, i mean, there was a whole glass so why not take advantage of that and fill it to the top? he sighed and nodded.

"he told me you're a trust worthy guy, so there shouldn't be any problems with helping you out..." the brunette commented, "to be honest, i don't have any problems with you as of now and i can see why he says that about you."

ziyi just listened as he rambled on, "anyway, i'll get you the camera."

shocked, ziyi looked up at zhengting with surprise. he didn't expect him to agree so easily, because even though he was rich, a camera would still be a lot, right?

zhengting snorted and looked down. ziyi stiffened immediately, "but, what will you give me back?"

he knew this was coming.

quietly, ziyi panicked inside as he tried to brainstorm anything he could give him back. of course he need something in return, you can't just get someone to buy you a camera and not give them something back, that just didn't happen - well, not where he was raised at least.

soft chuckling brought ziyi back to reality, "i was joking."

ziyi looked up (well, down since zhengting was shorter than him) at the man in front of him.

"seriously?" he asked in disbelief.

zhengting nodded with a knowing smile on his face.

"you're not joking around or anything?" ziyi questioned, "this isn't some kind of sick joke--"

zhengting shook his head, "no, ziyi, it isn't a joke. i'm being serious."

"but--"

"but what? are you going to argue about not paying something back?" zhengting teased, "if i was you, i'd keep my mouth shut before i was told to pay back."

that made ziyi zip his mouth shut.

zhengting then took a large gulp of his drink.

"hey, be careful. you might get drunk," ziyi advised.

giggling, zhengting cheekily answered, "i didn't know you could get drunk off of ribena."

oh god, someone save ziyi.

 

───────────────

 

so, zhengting got him the camera. it wasn't anything special to zhengting - just some ordinary camera - but to ziyi, it was like a miracle.

"do whatever you want with it, it's now yours." zhengting had said once he gave it to him.

ziyi was setting the camera in a corner in the room. it wasn't hung up like a security camera in the top corner, but in between the books on their bookshelf (xukun's parents gave them it as a moving out gift, but it was mainly for decoration since neither of the two read) on a middle shelf so it had a clear view of the living room; ziyi had already tested out the angles.

he had put it on now, it had plenty of storage since it was brand new so he didn't have to worry about it wasting space.

xukun was coming home soon from work, so ziyi did a double check of everything before he went to their room. he decided he would stay in tonight.

xukun came in a couple of minutes later silently, the drop of his keys and his footsteps being the only signal ziyi had (and the front door, it made a horrific noise every time they opened and closed it). he waited patiently, fidgeting with his fingers and watching the old analogue clock ticking away as he heard the other walk around the apartment.

nothing happened though, he waited for so long that he lost track of time, but nothing was happening. ziyi had heard xukun go into the kitchen and only leave it unsuccessful as they had no food right now. he then heard him go into the bathroom, although he had yet to come out.

ziyi started to get worried, seeing as xukun had yet to come out of the bathroom and it had been nearly an hour, but he knew better than to interrupt. he probably just had a bad day at work.

then, as if xukun was listening to his thoughts, he came out of the bathroom and a couple of seconds later, he opened their room door. he didn't notice ziyi for about five seconds, and when he did he jumped and yelped.

"what are you doing here?" he asked almost angrily.

"well, this is also my home - and my bed, actually, so i am gonna sit on my bed, in my home, y'know," he replied sarcastically, "how come? am i not meant to be in my own home?"

xukun walked over confused and embarrassed, "no, it's ok. you're just usually not here at this time..."

"well, everyone needs a change every once in a while, right?" ziyi responded.

xukun didn't reply.

ziyi decided nothing was wrong for now, and he was safe to sleep now. it was late anyway and he had stuff to get done the next day. so he climbed under the covers and faced xukun's way.

"it's been a while since we've had a proper interaction," he said.

xukun was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back facing him, looking at something in his hands. when ziyi realised he wasn't listening to him, he sat up and crawled over to xukun so he could see what he was looking at, placing his chin on xukun's shoulder.

"what's this?" ziyi asked. he felt xukun tense up underneath him, his grip on the item tightening.

"nothing," he replied, quickly shoving it in his pocket, "go to sleep, you look exhausted."

xukun then turned around to face him, pushing on his chest to make him lie down.

"look, i'm going to sleep too, so you have to be quiet anyway," he said while turning off the lamp on the bedside table. xukun used to be scared of the dark, so he would have the lamp on and once he fell asleep ziyi turned it off so he could sleep, but now they couldn't afford to leave it on if not necessary so xukun just sucked it up and slept in the darkness.

he then lay down beside ziyi, facing him. they looked into each other's eyes with smiles on their faces, no words were exchanged - there was no need - until xukun turned around and closed his eyes. ziyi continued to watch him until xukun spoke up with a slight smile, "ziyi, stop staring -- i'm trying to sleep."

ziyi laughed and turned around without saying anything, he didn't have to.

and so, the pair fell asleep.

 

───────────────

 

ziyi got out of bed the next day at about twelve. the first thing he noticed was that xukun was gone - he probably left in the middle of the night hence why he went to bed so early the night prior. ziyi was unfazed by it.

he then rubbed his eyes and stretched, squinting at the sight of day light glaring into his room from the window (ziyi mentally cursed xukun because he knew he did it, he always did). then when his eyes adjusted to the brightness, he noticed that xukun's bedside table was clear of the tissues he saw earlier on in the week. his eyebrows furrowed at the thought.

he brushed the thoughts aside as he got out of bed and went straight into the living room, ignoring his rumbling stomach and picking up the camera with shaky hands. he ended the recording and nervously opened up the only item the camera had as of now, pressing play.

he skipped through the footage, he didn't have twelve hours spare to sit and watch the whole thing, he could tell what was happening from skimming it all. he got to when xukun came in, and that's when he played the video at the normal speed. he watched as the dainty black haired boy walked in and threw his shoes somewhere against the floor, his hand covering his face. ziyi wondered why.

now speaking of it, he didn't see xukun's face very clearly when he was with him -- the room was too dark. 

he sighed and continued to skip through as the hall remained empty, until he spotted xukun again. he was dressed in casual clothes, so ziyi assumed he was just going out for his usual nightly walks, but he had something in his hands again, and he was looking down at it with many different emotions. ziyi wished he could see what was causing him to act so strangely.

he continued to watch as he walked out of the house, and then he decided nothing else was going to happen, so he placed the camera down. he sat for a while to gather his thoughts, what else could he do? he obviously didn't get anything useful out of what he just watched.

he huffed out a breath and turned the camera back on. he would just leave it on for another day and see if anything else happens. he placed the camera back where he first got it and then walked away to get his shoes and jacket.

he had to leave and get rid of all his worries for now.

 

───────────────

 

xukun grabbed his hoodie from the staff room before leaving, and as he walked out he immediately felt the cool air hit against his face. he shivered and pulled his hood over his head while stuffing his hands in his pockets.

the walk back home wasn't long -- it was twenty minutes at max -- but today seemed longer for some unknown reason. maybe it was because he was dreading going back home, he usually did; it wasn't a nice place to be.

he could feel himself shivering slightly as another gust of wind went by, and he sub consciously clasped his hands together tightly to hopefully warm himself up. though the wind seemed to pick up, as if he was sprinting in the olympics, and he took his face mask out his back pocket so he could put it around his mouth -- his nose was getting particularly cold. 

the trees collided against each other frantically, the sound somewhat soothing to xukun. he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. he felt free; free from all the stress and anxiety.

although, his moment of freedom was disrupted when he suddenly heard a yelp.

at first, he was just going to ignore it and keep on his journey back home, but he then heard another scream, and something inside him told me to go investigate. cautiously, he walked forward to the dark and narrow alley. 

he saw a group of men -- about four of them who were somewhat taller than him -- and in the middle of them was a slightly smaller guy. xukun frowned, storming up to the crowd.

"hey!" he let out. it wasn't very loud, but it was loud enough to echo through the cramped path. five pairs of eyes were then on him, and the guy in the middle was let go.

the sudden attention made xukun cower in fear, but he hoped it didn't show. 

one of them walked up to him, and he was much taller than xukun, and he said through a smirk, "who do you think you're talking to, huh?"

xukun was going to answer, but another came up from behind the tall black haired man and shoved his shoulder, "what are you doing here?"

they went quiet, and that's when xukun realised he was meant to answer.

"i -- you were doing things to that guy," he stuttered out, his eyes shifting to the one he was talking about, but he was standing with his arms crossed over his chest while looking him up and down. 

then, the shorter guy laughed, almost like he was mocking him, and soon the rest joined. xukun slowly backed away, feeling oddly uncomfortable, but he bumped into something. he turned around, only to come face to face with yet another man. he had dreads and he smiled down at him with slightly crooked teeth, "where do you think you're going little boy?"

xukun held his breath as he heard the laughing stop and suddenly he was shoved against the concrete wall, causing a him a throbbing headache and a sharp pain shot up his spine. he groaned as he blinked, trying to focus his gaze as his vision went slightly blurry. he looked around to see all the group all surrounding him.

"who are you?" a silver haired guy suddenly asked, voice cold and serious. 

xukun kept his mouth shut and tried to move away, but the short guy then came up and held him against the wall, while one of the brunettes pulled down his hood and mask.

"answer the damn question!" another guy ordered loudly, causing xukun to tense up a lot more than he already was. 

the short guy the squinted his eyes at him, examining his features closely, "hold on..."

then they all turned their attention to him and he turned to the tall guy, "give me your phone for a second."

the tall guy glared at him, "why?"

"it's important -- just give me it," the short guy barked back.

"ok, no need to get angry," the taller mocked, pulling out his phone and passing it to the now pissed off short guy.

he snatched it off him and searched for something on the device, and when xukun glanced over he swear he saw ziyi's name. he quickly looked away.

"zeren, i swear to god if you don't hurry up--"

"here, look," the short guy -- zeren -- interrupted, shoving the phone in all their faces. 

they all moved in closer to the image, looking at the phone then to xukun and then back at the phone. 

" _this_  is him?" the silver haired guy spat, his fist clenching unconsciously.

"it has to be, just look at him," zeren said, turning the phone off and handing it back to its owner.

they all then turned their attention to xukun.

"you know ziyi?" one of the brown haired guys asked.

"straight to the point, ain't you, shengen," the other brunette scoffed.

shengen then glared at him, moving closer to xukun with the rest.

then he felt a kick to the shin, a whimper of pain falling from his mouth.

the silver haired one then came closer and held onto his jaw tightly, "you need to answer up, little boy, or you'll have to face the consequences."

"so, do you know ziyi or not?" he asked sternly, his grip tightening on xukun's face.

he took in a shaky breath and replied quietly, "i know  _a_  ziyi, not sure if we're talking about the same one though."

apparently, that wasn't the answer they were looking for because next thing he felt was a punch to the stomach.

"don't try to be sassy with me, you  _know_  which ziyi we're talking about," he hissed.

xukun huffed, trying to get over the pain in his stomach, "so what if i know ziyi? what does it have to do with you?"

"you really aren't that good at answering are you?" the tall guy frowned.

xukun glared up at them all.

"you're cai xukun aren't you?"

xukun tried to cover hide shock at them knowing his name, but he didn't know if he was doing it that well from the look they all gave him.

"so you are the one and only cai xukun?" the guy with dreads mocked.

"what do you mean 'one and only'? and how do you know who i am?"

the unnamed brunette then spoke, "stop asking questions."

xukun twitched in anger, "i think i have the right to know how you know me."

zeren then answered, "look, we used to know ziyi and he knew you at the time and anyone who knows him will know you."

"what? why? how do you know ziyi?"

"do you ever stop asking these damn questions?!" the silver haired then cracked, shaking him with just the hand on his jaw. it was definitely going to leave marks that xukun wouldn't be able to hide.

"yanjun, calm down," the tall guy said.

the yanjun guy then let go of his neck and jumped at the taller in a flash, "who do you think you're talking to, huh?! don't tell me to what to do!"

the others immediately scrambled over to the pair, attempting to pull yanjun off the latter.

xukun looked over to the exit of the path, and decided to slip away while they weren't paying attention.

with light steps, he turned his back on them and started to withdraw from the group, pulling his hood up in the process.

he looked back once he made it out, and the sight didn't shock him, but he still felt intimidated. the tall guy, had blood dripping from his mouth, his face bruised and battered, and his big hands were grasping onto yanjun's neck tightly. they were shouting at each other, all of five of them were actually. 

 _hold_   _on_. xukun looked closer, and then only did he realise there was only five of them, the guy with dreads and the shorter brunette on the tall man and shengen on on yanjun. 

xukun tensed up slightly. zeren was gone. 

he moved to turn around, but something quickly covered his mouth, and his hands were caught behind his back.

"you're not so sneaky as we thought, xukun," a familiar voice almost whispered from behind him and he tried to calm his breathing. of course he couldn't just walk away from them, what was he thinking?

zeren shoved him forward until he was back in front of the others who slowly came to a stop.

"yanjun, bu fan, you know you can't go around picking fights during a conversation or shit like this happens," zeren stated firmly, harshly letting go off xukun and dropping him to the floor.

 _conversation?_ if this was what they considered a conversation then he wonders what they 'talked' to ziyi about. 

"it's his fault for thinking he could just leave like that," yanjun shot back coldly, kneeling down to look at xukun closely, "why did you go, huh?" 

xukun closed his eyes as he curled into himself slightly, his hands coming up to cover his face.

that's when he was shoved by yanjun, "answer my question."

again, xukun didn't answer, and he saw yanjun stand up.

"you all, teach him a lesson." 

 

───────────────

 

xukun closed and locked the door behind him once he got in. work was shitty like usual and he wasn't in a great mood, so socialising with anyone was a no.

he was hungry and for once they had food in their house, and he mentally celebrated while he walked towards the kitchen. when he entered, he was not expecting the sight before him.

ziyi was hunched over the counter, his back facing him. the only light was coming from the streetlights outside, which made the room dimmer than usual. the sound of metal scraping against metal filled the room and xukun internally cringed at the piercing noise it made. 

he then realised what ziyi was doing, and slowly began to nip away, but luck wasn't on his side that day since he walked into the wall and made a loud thudding noise. 

ziyi dropped one of the knives in his hand and whipped around with a deadly look on his face.

xukun stiffened up and sucked in a breath through his nose, standing still as ziyi slowly approached him.

"what were you doing for you to come back home at this time?" he asked, grip tight on the metal in his hand.

"i was working," he lied, "why are you up anyway?"

"you weren't at work, the store closed four hours ago," ziyi deadpanned.

"well," xukun muttered, "i'm tired now so i'm going to bed."

he turned around and attempted to walk away, but a tug on his shirt stopped him and then he was pulled back slightly, an arm wrapping around his waist. he was about to remove ziyi's arm off him when he brought his other hand up to his neck, pressing the knife down gently.

"you're lying to me, kunkun," he accused.

xukun stayed quiet, too afraid to move.

"why are you lying? what is their to hide?" he questioned.

"i'm not hiding anything," he answered only for ziyi to tighten his grip on him. xukun's breath hitched in his throat when he felt the knife dig into his skin.

"xukun," ziyi snapped, "you know better than to lie to me."

xukun doesn't reply to that either.

"what are you hiding from me, huh?" he prodded.

"i'll tell you in the morning," xukun said while his hands reached up to the hand holding onto the knife.

"no you won't!" ziyi barked, hitting xukun's hands, "you always say that --  _every damn time_  and you and i both know i won't remember any of this in the morning!"

"ziyi--"

"shut up, xukun! whatever you say is utter bullshit, and i don't want to hear it!"

"ziyi just listen to me for a minute--"

"why should i, hm?! are you gonna try to convince me into another one of your schemes?!"

as often as it happened, xukun still hated when ziyi yelled at him. he had a tone that made him feel like he's the one who has done something wrong, that he is the one to blame and no one else and the guilt would always eat at xukun even though he  _knew_ nothing was his fault.

xukun tried to block out his yelling, his mouth glued shut and his eyes shut tightly, and he lifted his hands to cover his ears, but they were quickly pulled back down and were tightly held by his wrists in ziyi's own hand on his waist.

"what are you trying to do, xukun? i don't understand," ziyi's voice came out softer, but it still had a bite to it.

xukun then saw his sudden calm behaviour as a way out, "can you let me go?"

ziyi's jaw clenched, and xukun felt him start to shake form anger. 

"can you stop avoiding my damn questions!" 

xukun felt tears prick at his eyes when ziyi started to shout again, the stinging on his neck unbearably painful and he felt warm liquid run down his neck and chest. something inside him was telling him he couldn't die, that he had so much more of his life left and it would be a waste to stop it now, but another side of him was cheering that it was finally the end, he was just a useless and unnecessary piece of life that god had gave up on long ago. 

"why are you crying?! what's there to cry about?!" 

without thinking about it, xukun laced his fingers though ziyi's and spoke in a pleading tone, "ziyi,  _please_."

after that, ziyi goes silent for about a minute. xukun felt like the air was suffocating him (as if ziyi wasn't already) and he urgently wanted ziyi to say something -- anything to break the stifling quietness of the atmosphere.

he doesn't say anything though, he just lets go of xukun, drops the knife and marches out of the apartment.

xukun brought his hands up to his neck, but he quickly pulled away because of the prickling sensation it caused, and he let out a wail, quickly losing balance and falling to his knees.

he could feel his throat close up, like he was forbidden to talk. his face was wet with tears, his body was cold, and his hands and fingertips were covered from the blood that dripped from his neck.

 

 ───────────────

 

it was a couple of days later that ziyi remembered about the camera. 

whenever he was wondering around in the apartment he felt like someone -- some _thing_  was constantly watching him and following his every movement. he always felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when the thought came across. then after a couple of days he turned around to see if anything was there, but he was only met with the sight of a camera lens pointing in his direction.

he went up to it and took it into his hands, turning the recording off and going to view it. he was nervous, of course. sweat gathered on his face and hands, and his heartbeat had picked up slightly at the thought of what would be in the video.

he walked over to the couch and sat down, playing the video and turning it into a faster version so he could get through it faster. something inside him was dreading what he was about to see, as if he was going to be really shocked about what he was about to witness.

_was it someone he knew?_

his breathing picked up in speed and he never knew he could get to so distressed from a plain video, but here he was. 

like the last time, he only skimmed through it, since it was days worth of content and he didn't have the time for that. he only stopped it when he saw xukun. 

he walked into the apartment, and waddled straight to the kitchen. ziyi couldn't blame him considering he was probably starving after a day of work (obviously ziyi couldn't relate). the kitchen was somewhat in sight, so he could see xukun walk in, but stop. it was too dark to see further into the room, but he then saw him walk out, only to be pulled back by someone with something in their hand. 

ziyi squinted his eyes to try make out who it was.  _wait..._

his breath got caught in his throat after he realised. it was indeed someone he knew, someone he knew very well.

he watched further into the video, and his shock didn't go as he saw what he did.

he was so traumatised by the footage he was watching that he didn't even notice someone coming up behind him.

"what's this?" the familiar soft voice spoke right behind his ear, and he jumped in surprise, the camera falling out of his hands and onto the floor. he could only hope no damage was done to it, but then again, he didn't need it anymore, he has seen everything that he needed to.

ziyi turned around to face xukun, and then he noticed that he hadn't looked at him properly in days. he was wearing a hoodie that covered most of his neck and his face was paler than usual, eyes red and eyebags evident.

he then looked back at his neck and he swore he could see marks peaking over the edge of where his hoodie covered.

he knew he was staring, but he couldn't help it, and without thinking of the consequences, he pulled the hoodie down so that xukun's entire neck and collarbones were visible.

xukun gasped and quickly pulled it back up of course, quickly turning around and beginning to stalk off, but the damage had already been done. ziyi saw the cuts and bruises with his own eyes, fingerprint marks and a long cut across his neck. it would scar him, definitely, ziyi was sure of that and that made him feel sick inside.

he rushed over to where xukun was, grabbing his hand to pull him over to him, and he embraced tightly.

the guilt had hit him already, tears spilling from his eyes as he held onto xukun as if his life depended on it, repeated 'i'm sorry's spilled from his mouth like he was a machined robot.

xukun stayed silent for most of the time, but he then lifted his hands to hold onto ziyi's, "it's ok, it's not your fault."

ziyi felt a surge of anger run through him after xukun said that, because it _wasn't_  ok, what he did was  _all_ his own fault.

"no, xukun, it's not ok, i could have stopped this all from happening if i had just kept control of my emotions then this wouldn't have happened -- none of this would've happened!"

xukun then turns around and ziyi looks at him for a second, his eyes were glassy but he wasn't crying -- he was smiling, actually.

"ziyi, calm down," xukun said, quickly wrapping his arms around ziyi's neck so he can hug him.

"i can't, xukun, you mean the world to me and i treat you like this back," ziyi mumbled, eyes downcasting.

"but ziyi, it wasn't  _you_ , and you can't blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault," xukun reasoned.

"xukun don't say things like that--"

but he was shut up by something covering his mouth, and he looked down to see that it was xukun's lips.

"i told you to stop but you didn't so i used another way," xukun said somewhat seriously, his eyes flickering between his eyes and his lips.

"xuk--"

and he was caught off again.

maybe he could leave the talking til later...

**Author's Note:**

> ok i rushed that ending and it turned out fluffy m oops  
> +im sorry for making the trainees the bad guys i swear i love them w/ all my heart owo
> 
> feel free to scream at me on  [twitter](https://twitter.com/chogiwasebuteuh)


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